This sadly isn’t the first time you kept me up this late. It’s not like I was forced to stay awake on your account – goodness, by now I’m sure you’re asleep. Heck, you never finished our conversation, so I assume you quietly went away like you always did.
I’m half-asleep and completely drunk with my bitterness. It’s the sort of intoxication that doesn’t even affect my physical state of being when you leave me hanging and clinging to dead air and silence for an answer you would promise to give but never did and probably never will. Forgive me, my dear, but this is my haven for everything I cannot understand, everything irrational, everything I can never in a million years hope to comprehend, no matter how much and how badly I try to reason them out.
So yes, you can say that this is my haven for things like you. I can never tell you up front why at this point, going back is a terrifying prospect for me. I spoke of bitch-slaps and the like in one such entry of mine, and in reality it was actually with you that I was most acquainted with these. I cared for you and I still do, but in all honesty, if pushing me away is all you can and will do while we’re together, I don’t think I can take that.
Look, I never even got mad at you. I still can’t bring myself to do that, even though that one thing beating in my chest is telling me that I’m frustrated. You’re too much of a complexity for me to get through. And I don’t know what I honestly want – not that I ever anticipated your question. I actually believed and thought that you just didn’t care anymore, that you were getting on fine without me. Perhaps you do – maybe you just thought to yourself once in a while that it’d be nicer to have me around.
You’re a strong person, after all. You don’t need me or anyone else to survive. So don’t leave me hanging – once and for all, tell me why you’re here and what you want to come out from your presence. I’m not a mind reader – I can barely even fix my own state of mind, so please don’t expect to fix up yours.
**
Whew. Sometimes, letting it all out pays.
I’m half-asleep and completely drunk with my bitterness. It’s the sort of intoxication that doesn’t even affect my physical state of being when you leave me hanging and clinging to dead air and silence for an answer you would promise to give but never did and probably never will. Forgive me, my dear, but this is my haven for everything I cannot understand, everything irrational, everything I can never in a million years hope to comprehend, no matter how much and how badly I try to reason them out.
So yes, you can say that this is my haven for things like you. I can never tell you up front why at this point, going back is a terrifying prospect for me. I spoke of bitch-slaps and the like in one such entry of mine, and in reality it was actually with you that I was most acquainted with these. I cared for you and I still do, but in all honesty, if pushing me away is all you can and will do while we’re together, I don’t think I can take that.
Look, I never even got mad at you. I still can’t bring myself to do that, even though that one thing beating in my chest is telling me that I’m frustrated. You’re too much of a complexity for me to get through. And I don’t know what I honestly want – not that I ever anticipated your question. I actually believed and thought that you just didn’t care anymore, that you were getting on fine without me. Perhaps you do – maybe you just thought to yourself once in a while that it’d be nicer to have me around.
You’re a strong person, after all. You don’t need me or anyone else to survive. So don’t leave me hanging – once and for all, tell me why you’re here and what you want to come out from your presence. I’m not a mind reader – I can barely even fix my own state of mind, so please don’t expect to fix up yours.
**
Whew. Sometimes, letting it all out pays.
Sometimes.
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